Audition Character Roles/Monologues

by Tyler Dwiggins, Jonathan Dorf, Kathryn Funkhouser, Patrick Greene, Mora V. Harris, Jason Pizzarello, Ian McWethy,    Carrie McWethy (McCrossen)

Directed by
Terri McKinstry tmckinstry@twinbeachplayers.com

Murder-Mystery Comedy 110 – 130 minutes

How Auditions Will Work

• Everyone who auditions must register and complete an audition form online. 

• The audition form will be available starting March 1^st. 

• The link will be posted here and on the Twin Beach Players Facebook page.

Everyone MUST audition with one of the monologues below. It does not need to be memorized. It can be read from a piece of paper or from your phone. I want to see what kind of character you can create, not that you can learn lines. All monologues are from the play. Everyone WILL get points in my head if you READ THE PLAY. No, you can’t do another monologue unless it’s from the play.

About the Play

Twin Beach Players is excited to announce our first LIVE Teen Show since 2019! When eccentric billionaire J. Leslie Arlington is murdered, a clueless detective finds the suspects are all reluctant to admit their alibis . . . because they were all committing other ridiculous crimes at the time. You never know what’s coming next when your suspects include disgruntled chefs, teen detectives, and vengeful divas, but one thing’s for certain: Every alibi is absolutely absurd. This show is going to be a blast to rehearse and produce!

Cast of Characters

• DETECTIVE CASEY NEPTUNE, a private eye with a flair for the dramatic and an enormous ego.

• WARWICK, a helpful butler with a passion for karaoke.

• MYSTERIOUS FIGURE, you’ll see.

The Suspects

• CLYDE BARTLETT, a master thief who has been lurking around the estate disguised as a groundskeeper. (Play: Attempted Theft of a Confection from a Mino,)

• DAVINA ARLIXGTOX, J. Leslie Arlington’s sister, a grand dame of the theatre. (Play: Davina Arlington Wants Revenge)

• QUINN, Arlington’s grand-niece, a harried young parent with something to hide. (Play: Hamster Murder!)

• TITUS ARLIXGTON-TEXAS, Arlington’s great-grand-nephew twice removed, an aspiring teen detective. (Play: Mill Noir)

• SPARKY RANDALL, a shady lawyer, Arlington’s “fixer:’ (Play: Badger Poison)

• FRANC DUBOIS, head chef at the Arlington estate. Wishes to be perceived as fancy and French. (Play: In Case of Fish)

• PROF. VIVIAN STRICT, a prominent TV critic who writes about her hatred of Arlington’s TV show. (Play: The Incredible Season Finale)

• EDMUND RIDIXGHORN III, another eccentric billionaire, J. Leslie Arlington’s self-proclaimed nemesis. (Play: I Did It!)

The Other Characters

• Attempted Theft of a Confection from a Minor

• Bonnie, Clyde, Father or Mother, Child

• Davina Arlington Wants Revenge

• Davina, Patricia, Butler, Jerrod, Estelle

• Hamster Murder!
  Quinn, Grandpa, Rose, Peyton

• Mill Noir
  Carlotta, Titus, Paper Bag Girl, Marty, Team Members, Various Voices

• Badger Poison
  Sparky, Sam, Mickey, Gerald or Gerald, ArCo Employee

• In Case of Fish
  Franc, Sue, Lu

• The Incredible Season Finale
  Vivian, Marina, Various TV figures

• I Did It!
  Ridinghorn, Nesbitt, Arms Dealer, Getaway driver, Doctor, Nurse, Intern, Photographer, more doctors, nurses, orderlies

Monologues

CLYDE:

What is this? You’re joking, right? These are…They’re…Good ‘N’ Plenties…Good ‘N’ Plenties are not precious sweets. They are the Devil’s delights, the Candy of the Damned, the Jellies of the Joyless. If Jack the Ripper had a sweet tooth, he’d eat Good ‘N’ Plenties. If Musolini needed a sugar kick, he’d eat Good ‘N’ Plenties. People who talk in movie theaters, people who try to stuff oversized luggage in the overhead bin, people who hit “reply to all,” people who take off their shoes on an airplane, people who try to sneak in more items at the express checkout, people who don’t wipe down equipment at the gym, people who take selfies on a crowded sidewalk, people who text while walking, PEOPLE WHO CUT IN LINE, all of them have one thing in common…they like Good ‘N’ Plenties.

BONNIE
Excuse me, sir. I was wondering if you could help me out. You see, the thing is I am not from around here. I’m visiting my great aunt Gladys. Her apartment is a bit dank, and I decided to come outside for a stroll. To get some fresh air, you know. And I’ve found myself quite hungry. So I was wondering, is there anywhere around here that you would recommend? I do have a few dietary restrictions to consider, like, uh…gluten. Definitely no gluten, and tomatoes. I can’t have those or I break out in hives. And no shellfish or even shell-less fish, basically nothing from the sea, except seaweed in sushi, but again, no fish so it has to be fishless sushi, but I tried some vegetarian sushi and I didn’t like it and uh…no dairy. And nothing with sugar because sugar is basically like eating death and no high-fructose or even low-fructose corn syrup and as far as meat goes, I do very much enjoy meat, but it has to be meat raised responsibly within 25 miles of here and…uh…so if you have any, uh, recommendations, I would very much appreciate it, sir.

DAVINA
Stalking? I…That man is my brother, and I know him better than you ever could. When J. Leslie ws just eight years old, our parents gave us that sled for Christmas – both of us, to share. All day, J. Leslie insisted I pull him back up the hill on that sled, and each time, I’d ask if I could ride back down with him. He said no. All day, I drug him up the hill, only to watch him sled down on his own-tiny second-grade fists pumping in the winter air. Finally, I begged him to let me have a turn, and…J. Leslie said, “Sure, Davina.” Just as I stepped onto Rosebloom, he kicked the sled out from underneath me. I plummeted to the ground, cutting my lip in the process. There’s still a scar, Jerrod, and THAT is why I never got work as a screen actress – it was too unsightly for clos-ups! My scar meant…I had a face for the stage.

QUINN
Chewbacca isn’t coming! The stupid party entertainers I hired…they said he’s not coming! We promised her, Peyton! She cleaned her room and did her homework and took out the trash for six months! And we promised her that if she did that, that we would throw her the best Star Wars party ever! With a real Chewbacca! And now he’s not coming! So…So…what do we do?! And don’t tell me I’m being over-dramatic! This is really, really important to her!

CARLOTTA
Marley was dead, to begin with. Marley was living proof that German shepherds and chihuahuas shouldn’t mate, but now that proof had met the business end of a pork chop thrown out of a seventh-story window. How this port chop came to fly out of said window is not our story. Suffice it to say that the velocity this flying piece of pig achieved was enough to crush a shepherd-chihuahua mix. A pure shepherd would have survived. I know this because I’m Carlotta Carlyle, private eye and public Thespian-perhaps you saw my brilliant turn as Lord and Lady Macbeth at Northern High School last spring – and I am on the case. Not the case of Marley and the chop that sent him to doggie heaven, but the case of the boy who stepped in Marley’s parting shot to the world on that fateful afternoon.

TITUS
You don’t know what it’s like when your great-granduncle is so rich that his shadowy conglomerate has money hidden in twice as many countries as the next three shadowy conglomerates combined, and everyone on your branch of the family tree is a world-famous neurosurgeon. Like literally all five of my uncles is a neurosurgeon and super famous, except for my Uncle Claude who’s a world-famous plastic surgeon, and I see the dirty looks he gets for that. What will they think of me when I miss his birthday party tonight because I’m still working on a paper that I should have done a week ago? And I can’t turn this in. I’d fail for sure. My mom would throw me out on the street. My dad would throw rocks as I ran away.

FRANC
I was like you once. Overcautious, overreacting, underdressed. Believe it or not I was one of Arlington’s most loya servants. Until one day I saw him spit out a piece of my filet mignon into a hundred dollar bill. And I said to myself, that filet was cooked perfectly, and also who uses a hundred dollar bill as a napkin? The answer: a man without taste. This is not someone who deserves loyalty or respect or fish. My talents are better served elsewhere. From then on, I’ve been looking out for nombre un. Me. So you say you’re not a thief? I say not yet. You and me, we’re one and the same. We were born for this. Vive la revolution